had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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