We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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