Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
