just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
