Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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