i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
