U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
