he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
