Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
