Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
