dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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