video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
