quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
