I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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