I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i think i have two assholes
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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