does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
