do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
