and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
