I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
