I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
