I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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