a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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