Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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