I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You pole danced in your parka.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
