This is not my ceiling
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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