Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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