1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
