I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
