I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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