Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
