i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
