My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
