we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
