my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
