4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
