do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
