The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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