when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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