he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize