Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
