I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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