i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
