I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
