Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize