at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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