I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
