It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
