jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
