how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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