you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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