I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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