woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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