I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
