I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish there were birth control emojis
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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